Fallen

Seeing evil and stopping evil.

Most of us can see an act of cruelty and recognize it as wrong.

However, some people don't see cruelty as wrong.

These people have desires.

These desires must be filled no matter the cost.

No matter the cost to their community, their friendships, their family.

Psychology has defined them as sociopaths.

Their desires, their passions, their pure lust must be gratified regardless of who they hurt.

One such person caught in a web of evil was me.

I was in a bad place of my own doing when evil entered my home.

I had lost touch of myself, which is a thing to say but doesn't describe the reality accurately.

I had lost touch with the world.

I had become isolated.

I had convinced myself that I did not deserve love.

Day after day, the weight of other peoples fears and especially their anger washed over me like an unrelenting tide.

Many days I couldn't catch my breath.

Other peoples anger would make me run.

Peoples' emotions had since the first day I could remember struck fear in me.

In my early years, most of which I cannot remember, I know that my father was a rageaholic.

His physical and mental abuse was continuous.

But my tale is not about my father.

It's about how I was hanging onto my life by a thread and how that thread was cut by a sociopath.

I found myself running into oblivion because of my own fear of anger.

I never forced myself to ask why a person was angry.

I had always assumed I was the cause of other peoples anger.

So as to not anger them, I would never ask for clarification of their emotions.

I internalized others pain and gave back humor.

My wife and I never argued.

But year after year, I receded believing in error that she was angry with me.

Empathic personalities like my own are not magical.

We may be sensitive to emotion, but we're not mind-readers able to discern the origin of a feeling.

As in my case, my total lack of self-esteem always dictated to me that I was the cause.

So in the last summer of my life, I determined I was going to leave this wicked world.

Previously a person came to live with us.

It was during that time I came to find out through a four-year conversation that a 20 something sexual predator slept under our roof.

Their preferred victim was middle-age housewives going through a divorce.

The graphic details of their constant exploits are horrendous that this person would tell me all on their own.

Their bragging at first, I thought was the talk of a blackout alcoholic drug abuser which they also turned out to be.

That was until they provided me proof of their exploits that they kept in a notebook.

Their reason for showing me their monster?

They thought because I did not believe in a religion that it meant I was part of their club.

The club of the immoral.

The club of sociopaths who will do whatever is needed right or wrong to achieve their goal.

The club that would lie about everything and even that is a lie.

The club that weaves a web of deception that the sociopath believes no one can see through.

That club that says as long as it's short of murder you can use people however you want.

This person allowed me into their mind, their reasoning, their wants, their desires, their lusts.

They falsely believed I was a monster like them.

I wanted to get away from this person.

I wanted to leave this world behind and all it's evil.

I knew I didn't belong here.

Then a friends voice, a single drop of human kindness gave me pause in my dark journey.

I stopped on the edge of forever and listened.

It was at this moment the beast entered.

The beast put their sights on my friend.

I told the beast repeatedly to leave my friend alone.

The beast dismissed me and consequently destroyed my lifeline.

I fell.

I fell into the dark of night.

I fell.

When I hit bottom and realized I was not dead, I heard a voice call my name.

I turned and saw no one.

The voice came from inside me.

It said I was ready now to begin the good work.

To spread hope.

To talk of love.

Unexpectantly, the crucible I had lived through had gifted me.

I now had in my hand the sword of justice.

I had learned of evil which had given me my armor.

I had fallen so that I could stand.

If you have fallen, you can stand too.

It is not through our blessings that we are useful; it is through our trials and hardships that make us into who we are meant to be.

Do right.

Peace

DFrey